Couple Tidbits: Learn to Be More Loving

Cmdr. Brenda L. Gearhart, Licensed Clinical Social Worker

In honor of Valentine’s Day, throughout the month of February Cmdr. Brenda Gearhart, a social worker who has taught relationship classes, is contributing a series of articles on the For Families section of our Website that tackle the rewarding and often challenging issue of coupling aptly called “Couple Tidbits.”

The fourth and final article of this series focuses on the role you play in a relationship and how to make positive choices to strengthen the bond.

Realize change is a personal choice

Bobbi West, ombudsman-at-large with the Chief of Naval Operations, with her husband Master Chief Petty Officer of the Navy Rick West, on a recent visit to the Fisher House at the Naval Medical Center in Bethesda, Md. (U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 1st Class Jennifer A. Villalovos/Released)

One of the difficult things to fully understand is that you can’t change another person unless that person wants to change. You may be able to influence your partner to change in the short term by threats or pleading, but unless he or she sees personal benefit to the change, chances are the change won’t last.

A simple change in the way a couple interacts can produce positive change, but each person must take ownership of his or her actions.

Example: Your significant other, your husband for example, spends a lot of time on the computer chatting or e-mailing friends and you feel alone. He promises to spend 30 minutes online and then head to the gym with you. You wait for 45 minutes and get angry as time passes. Your normal response is to go upstairs and scream how he never keeps his word. The key reaction at this point is to keep your cool and do something different that will not damage the relationship.

Take action (some examples):

• Let your spouse stay on the computer and see what happens when he comes downstairs. If your spouse apologizes, thank him and ask about your significant other’s conversations in a friendly way. Let your spouse know you realize online time is something he enjoys, and you want him to have time to communicate. Ask if there is a way your spouse can maintain this communication in a time frame that works better for you both. Take a team approach. If your partner gets defensive let him know again that you want him to be able to communicate with friends and family, and want to work on a solution that works for both of you.
• Let your partner know you will be heading to the gym in 45 minutes and he can join you. Make sure you let your partner know that you want to spend time with him. In this manner you are taking care of your own wellness needs and communicating in a positive way.
• Get on the computer with your partner. Write joint messages. Make it fun. Challenge your family to quizzes online, or play a game together.

By changing your response you are interrupting the established patterns which can shake things up in a positive way.

Incorporate romance on a daily or regular basis

U.S. Navy Sonar Technician 3rd Class Tad Hatch kisses his wife during a recent homecoming celebration for Los Angeles-class attack submarine USS San Juan (SSN 751) in Groton, Conn. (U.S. Navy photo by Electronics Technician 3rd Class Melissa Gavin/Released)

Accentuate the positive and don’t take each other for granted. Act like you’re dating! Don’t complain and focus on what is wrong. Here are some examples you can use whether your partner is deployed or at home:

• Tell him or her about the romantic dream you had about them
• Give or send something to them such as an e-mail, card or package
• Send/give your partner a note listing the 10 sexy things about them that make them irresistible
• Say or show your ‘thanks’ for small acts of kindness.

These are just ideas to get you thinking. There are many ways to keep the romance alive.

It is important to take actions that you know your significant other will appreciate, instead of actions that you would like. Remember, one small step can start a chain of positive reactions and it can all begin when you take action to learn to be more understanding and loving.

Enjoyed this article? Leave us a comment on our “Learn to Be More Loving” blog entry.

Find the first post of the series and other helpful blog entries for families here.