Couple Tidbits: Expectations and Reality

Cmdr. Brenda Gearhart, Licensed Clinical Social Worker

As a social worker, I’ve counseled many couples and taught classes on the subject of relationships. In honor of Valentine’s Day, I’m writing a series of “Couple Tidbits” articles throughout February, highlighting techniques to help strengthen your relationships. While these basic tips are useful for any couple, military couples may find them particularly important to remember because of added stresses such as deployments, reunions, frequent moves and injuries.

U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 1st Class Rebecca Kruck/Released

Those of us who are married or in committed relationships have probably had experiences where expectations of our partner don’t meet up with the reality of his/her behavior. This post discusses navigating the tough terrain of taking into consideration our partner’s needs as well as our own. Good communication and respect for our partner’s needs as well as our own are essential for a good relationship.

Expectations

We all tend to walk into relationships with preconceived expectations that often stem from experiences we had growing up. These ideals may have come from things that we liked about our parents’ or guardians’ relationships and wish to foster in our own relationships. They may also be things that we didn’t like and hope to avoid. What we see on television or read in romance novels can also influence our expectations.

Photo by LCPL Amber Basgil, USMC

Unmet expectations are often a cause of conflict in a relationship. We may consciously or unconsciously expect relationships to fit an unmet need we have – to “make us whole.” We may think of our relationship in terms of what we get from it, rather than what we give. We may expect our partner to “know” what we want, as if they can read our minds.

Making it work

It is essential that both partners in a relationship communicate, discuss and agree on expectations from the relationship, and both partners must agree to make the relationship a priority. Both agree to be respectful in tone, thoughts, actions and words. There is no abuse or controlling behaviors in healthy relationships.

Life in the military comes with certain expectations – moves, deployments, reunions and unfortunately sometimes injuries, either visible, or invisible, or both. It is helpful to have an understanding of the kinds of issues and feelings that these kinds of situations can incur in both yourself and your partner. Read up on them, talk to people, share. It is much easier to have a relationship with someone when you both have an understanding of the “terrain” you’re dealing with and expectations that you can discuss.

It is normal and healthy to have different thoughts, different ways of doing things, and different interests. The key is balancing the “me,” “you” and the “we” needs that are present in all committed relationships.

Imagine for a moment that a video recorder was taping your interactions with your partner. Would anyone watching this video agree that you are treating your partner with respect? Would you be embarrassed by what they observed? Respect is not about judging or criticizing. It is accepting that your spouse has a right to view things differently.

If you always need to be “right,” be prepared to be unhappy or alone. Instead, open your mind and listen to your partner’s point of view. Sometimes the final decision may be the one you wanted, sometimes it may be what your partner wanted, or many times it will be a compromise. At least if both of you have the chance to be listened to, to go through some options, and make the choice only then, you might find yourself more satisfied overall.

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